excerpt – The road to Elle

An interview with author Adrienne Lilley

You have a particular interest in non-fiction, including reading medical writing. What is it about these that interests you? Do you utilise the knowledge you gain in your own writing?
Oh, you know, when you find something you’re good at, you often tend to embrace it. I lost my amazing ability to multitask in a stressful environment that earned me my income, so nowadays, I have a near perfect memory for dates, doctors, diagnoses, and just about anything medical– once I’ve learned it, I rarely forget it. In fact, if I were well today, I would likely be a Pharmacologist. It’s a weird thing to admit, but we all have our talents! I do of course take many medicines but I can tell you what each one looks like, what writing it has on it, if any, and their color and purpose.

When I was a young child, I read every single ingredient from every single shampoo bottle, food product, anything with writing in the house– I devoured the written word. I repeatedly read the same products and words over, and over, until at last I could at least recognize their phonetic breakdown, spell them, YES even if I didn’t know what they meant. Certainly I was teased and called ‘wordy’, which is a nice compliment now. Ha!

I remember going to the public libraries and researching my kidney symptoms when I was only 14-16 years old. My mother and I spent many weekend days there, because the doctors didn’t believe my pain was serious, and because I kept insisting something was seriously wrong. I was six when it began, and seventeen when the kidney and gland were removed. It was in these old physician’s only medical texts that I first learned some medical jargon, and gained a rudimentary understanding of the urological system. It saved my life, just not my kidney nor my adrenal gland.

Once high school was over, I had no need for medical knowledge, and I tossed it all away. However, in just a few short years at the age of twenty-two or so, I got hit with the adrenal crapola from hell! Then, I was too sick to really go to the libraries, and the internet wasn’t even around for anything other than gaming. We’re talking 1993 here. I was working 80-90 hour weeks and had no time for research. Seriously.

Once I was back in the ‘system’ (the medical system) in my home state of S.California, it was a matter of picking up the lingo and information as I went along. I had so many tests, not just the normal x-rays, blood tests, but also MRI’s, IVPs, just nuclear medicine tests at the cost of thousands of dollars. Once I learned this adrenal failure happened because of corticosteroids I was given to help me breathe, I became nearly obsessed with not allowing my ignorance to ‘bite’ me in the ass again. Had I of known, been told, read the package leaflet… maybe, just maybe I wouldn’t have become so ill. So, essentially, I either understand everything they are DOING to MY BODY, and I make intelligent suggestions along the way thus becoming an active participant in my OWN healthcare, or— I die. It became as simple as that. I was close, there were mistakes in medication, diagnoses, and malpractice and an amazing amount of pure negligence along the road these past twenty-five years. There’s friends who have died. People younger than my nearly 47 years. BUT, it IS a choice: you either buck up and do THEIR job WITH them or FOR them, or you could easily die. And not peacefully usually!

By the way… I have no issues with dying really, but I’ll be damned if it’s going to be from neglecting myself. I do the best I can to be a compliant patient, but I am nobody’s fool. Now. So why DO I really write about it? Because I feel very alone in it. Nobody has all the circumstances and quirks and diagnoses that I do, I mean, my body’s its own Whata Wreck. But. . . surely there are others that can benefit from my experiences? There is no one protocol for much of this adrenal / endocrine system failure. And I am NOT afraid to give some pretty strong advice. Ha! But really, I write about it also because the physical act of typing it all out makes it clearer in my mind what needs to be done. I always have to have a plan or three, and I must constantly evaluate those to weave in the variables of my illness… nothing stays the same for too long. Writing usually makes me feel like I am SPEAKING to someone, for once. That illusive someone who may read my hypotheses for recovery, or may at least agree with me on how little value life can be. I need no sugar coating– I like my reality with a double shot of ‘just the facts, ma’am’. I can come to my own ‘hopeful’ or ‘bleak’ conclusions. I did not put myself back together with glue and tears and medications just to be taken apart by their lies and indifference again. No sirree.

Tell me about a piece of writing that stayed with you or was particularly memorable.
Oh, I’d have to say Mannequined allowed me to express a feeling of why I used to consider myself to be stupid, in an interesting way. I stayed pretty quiet in my relationships because I had no basis for anything resembling normal. I hadn’t had time to develop yet; like a Polaroid photograph that is still developing, but I was so impatient with myself. I figured it out though. Eventually.

My inner child was just too
indelibly written within.
A life spent in survival mode
was still just… too raw.
My spine was too weak,
my tongue too flayed…
to speak my truth, then.

So I mannequined instead with other men.
Gave away my bits, one page at a time.
Such self destructive behavior.
– Mannequined by Adrienne Lilley

But really i hate carnations because my dad was a hard person to get to know really deeply, kinda like myself. He just showed the shallow stuff, mostly, and waited for a person to be interested in more before revealing anything vulnerable about himself. And because I feel him closer to me when I read the poem about the day of his farcical funeral. Rather a comedy of errors and incidents that weren’t too funny, but then my dad and I shared our weird sense of humor, so….

Some of your writing is very personal. How important is it that you share your own story, or is sharing your work merely a byproduct of your need to write your experiences for yourself?
I figured out a while ago that if I don’t post my more intimate poetry for public consumption, then I just won’t write it. Then it all gets stuffed inside, and people are not supposed to be olives, right? We aren’t cannon that will one day just implode! Well, we aren’t supposed to be, I’m sure. I just kind of start to lose it if I cannot express a time in my life that was painful. Writing about it sucks—it hurts. There’s such indecision, and second-guessing going on. But once it’s completed, there’s a sense of satisfaction at having turned something ugly into. . . I dunno, perhaps something another person can relate to. Maybe there’s truly a few people who read it and feel better just knowing they aren’t alone in their experiences and / or feelings. I think cancer finds its way in when we refuse or cannot release these negative, pent-up emotions. I mean, I’m going out a different way, not cancer. A great example of how personal is too personal would be: Transient Murderer. There are not many who could share something like that, and I envy them because they likely don’t NEED to share it– but I really did. What I am NOT doing is airing my dirty laundry in some half-cocked contest of who’s had it worse. Everyone has their shit in life– I’m saying, this is mine.

How has writing changed your life?
Tres bien, ah de trop Madame! So, so very much. Before I found Writing.com, it was just me and my illness. I had within one month been put on permanent disability from the job of my dreams; I’d had to give up my swanky little apartment and move back in with my mother; I had to quit college– my life just was put on hold. About a year later, my mother got a home computer and I began to research my ‘Cushing’s Syndrome’ and umm etc. I’ll spare you ha ha! But finding WdC was fun. I was WhataWriter and it was a total joke! Whata did I ever write? Some, not much.

I can’t really socialize with my illness—it stresses me out too much. I’m the worst kind of friend, unreliable due to something that really wasn’t ever my fault. I know that now, but I still must be vigilant. And the older I get the worse it all gets so hey, lots of material to write about eh! So separating my medical ‘crapola’ as I refer to it and my writing endeavors is pretty difficult—which came first, the chicken or the egg? Who knows. But writing helps me cope.

Do you listen to music when you’re writing? Do you have a favourite ‘soundtrack’ for writing?
Oh aye, of course, I simply must! Anything will do, but it goes with the theme of my writing. If it’s sad, then sad songs; if it’s angry or fun it could be heavy metal to Imagine Dragons to Scorps to… I do so love music. In fact, a phrase in a song might playback all manner of memories; it is often the beginning of some dark poem. If I’m really into something deep, something as yet intangible (or even a punctuation or structural nightmare) I’ll switch to instrumental only music. I love the ‘Lost Christmas Eve’ album from Trans-Siberian Orchestra. And Archangel, a newer one. I like Andrea Bocelli. My friend Bobby is always great for some music referrals if needed! This poem was like that, and I’m still contemplating a few edits on it: Archivist of. . .. I wrote it to mimic four movements, but the subject is how to fill the hours. My favorite movie as well, ‘The Hours’.

Do you have a favourite author?
Definitely. I hearken back to my first favorite author, because it’s kinda like a first love, even though I’ve quite a few more favorites since: Diana Gabaldon. She writes the voluminous ‘Outlander’ series which I think there’s nearly twenty of them now? Not slight, modest books are these—they’re like 800-1000 pages. Hardback. Anyways, I used to work (for years) in bookstores. I found ‘Outlander’ before it was an international bestseller. Yeah, I like to say I made her rich ha ha ha. But it’s just that great a series. The TV Show has been amazingly true to the books as well. She made me want to BE a writer. I just haven’t found the time away from my emotions to get serious about writing fiction! But I want to. I have a little something-something in the works….

Or perhaps an author you view as an inspiration?
My favorite fantasy series are on Amazon by Robert Anton. It’s an enchanting world, wonderfully written. Amazing talent. But he is also my favorite non-fiction author on Writing.com, I can get so engrossed in his philosophical and scientific articles! Yeah, I just love to learn new things… ancient civilizations are kewl too. Yup, Bobby is a huge inspiration– and one of my biggest fans. Not to mention my editor when he isn’t TOO busy and I have tough enough skin to take it. He’s a rare, excellent quality gem.

What’s your favourite piece of your own writing?
Well, it’s actually my epic 4600 or so word biography, Just Another Walk in the Rain. I began writing it when I first joined Writing.com, waaay back in 2002. When I came back as simply ‘whata’ two years ago, I thought what absolute shite! I had to rewrite it. It took months. It was most difficult because the medical events were mostly so long ago, I couldn’t get the timeline cohesive enough. I do so loathe structural issues. So when it was completed, I really did feel such a sense of accomplishment. It isn’t the easiest material to write about. However, in reading it over once again this morning, I vow to make a part II. What more could I possibly add? I was more optimistic when I rewrote it just two years ago; I’d like to infuse some of my dark charm into it. Because I’m neither happy-go-lucky-Whata, nor down-in-the-dumps-Adrie. I’m kinda stuck right now, somewhere in between. I mean, I am, after all, a realist. I used to be such a dreamer….

We are all born into this world as innocents, right? To me, life is not so easily defined. After years of obsessive research, I’ve concluded that we are sent to this earth as a lesson. This lesson teaches us to be kind, to persevere, to help our fellow man, to love and be loved in return. Most of all, life is a lesson to never, ever, give up. We must keep fighting, not merely to survive, but in order for us to thrive. I surmise these are the lessons we are meant to learn before our corporeal selves die, and we are released into the spirit world.

No, I am not a Shaman, nor am I a wiseass: I speak in earnest. I am a person who has seriously visited a kind of hell, one on this earth, and have learned many lessons from my unhappiness. Now, at the age of forty-four, I am quite set on my path of righteousness. Not that everyone will, or should, follow my path, as it is for me. I have earned it, you could say. However, I do stumble, but I’ll continue to drag myself up, dust my bum off, and try in earnest to learn from my life’s lessons. It is this knowledge, and my secret hope that propels me to seek a more fulfilling life.
– Just Another Walk in the Rain by Adrienne Lilley

Yes, this is me. Longwinded. Irreverent. But hopefully always as truthful as I can be (according to how much denial I’m in at the time, of course).

You can read more of Adrienne’s work at her Writing.com portfolio.

An interview with author Hadiqa Inam

Do you consider English a first language or a second?
I am an ESL. I was born in Pakistan and my mother tongue and first language is Urdu. Whenever I am not on WDC, the language that not only I but majority uses is a mixture of both English and Urdu. Many of the English words have found a way into our daily life conversations making it easy to understand what the other person is saying more efficiently. However, on WDC, I speak and write only in English because there are hardly any Urdu speakers here, except for one whom I met a month ago on WDC.

Do you write in both Urdu and English? If so, do you find your writing changes from one language to another?
I write mainly in English because writing in Urdu is a very difficult task and a challenge I found myself unable to do. Sure I can write a letter or a short story in Urdu, that’s easy but the poetry is where I can’t even attempt without getting proper classes first. Urdu literature poetry has nothing like ‘free verse,’ there are so many tools, so many techniques and requirements and forms. Another obstacle I find in Urdu is the limited vocabulary I have. The vocabulary used in Urdu poetry is beyond one’s imagination and I bet there isn’t one person who knows all the words of Urdu.

Hence, I have written poetry and short stories only in English.

Do you write differently when you’re writing for an international audience than for a Pakistani audience?
Absolutely, without a doubt! When I know I am addressing an audience of Pakistan, I automatically turn to things I feel very deeply about and things that affect me of my society so that others can understand and perhaps ‘come to life’ and try to make a change, bring a difference. For example, I was representing my country, Pakistan, on an online WDC contest and I knew I had to write something that was related to my country. For that purpose, I evoked emotions about social evils and religious views of the Pakistani people. Surely if Pakistanis read it, they would be influenced differently and more as compared to the international audience. For some reason when your mind senses you are writing for your own country, it turns to the matters about the country that disturbs or inspires the poet.

You’re young. Do you think that is an advantage or a disadvantage when it comes to your writing?
Yes, surely. I believe that it’s fortunate that I started writing at a young age. I have lot of time, hopefully, to write, expand my horizon and experiment with new forms and techniques and learn something new every day along the way. Being young has it’s advantage when it comes to everything. ‘Young’ means young blood, new thoughts, new ideas, concepts, different perspectives, different analysis of the same situation and most importantly, the liveliness and rawness of the emotions found in the youth.

I agree that we, the youth, are inexperienced, there are so many things we don’t know but there is an addition to the ‘idea pool’ in the society, I remember five years ago when I got a review for my poem and the reviewer had mentioned the term ‘stanza’ and I had absolutely no idea what it was! The reviewer was kind enough to explain it to me and send me links of more poetry terms.

Young or not, every individual brings something unique to writing. So, my being young adds an advantage for me too.

You’ve tried your hand at poetry, short stories and novels. Do you have a favourite format?
This is a nice question. Hmm, if I have to choose between all the formats I have written, I’d say poetry is my favourite format. Poetry is easy and almost everyone can write it and have a take on it. Poetry has no limits, you can write free verse, rhyming couplet, quatrain and so many different invented and conventional forms of poetry! Any idea, any thought, any feeling can be expressed in poetry in just a few words.

Poetry are brilliantly powerful and influencing. A haiku is a three line poem, what could be in it? You’d be absolutely amazed to find the depth in it! When I finish writing a haiku, or any poem for instance, and go back to read it, hell sometimes I lose myself and wonder what did I create and how!

Time stood still the moment we saw
just the two of us in each other.
Fingers interlocked. Souls connected.
Such perfection; beautiful fairytale. I love you.

White wrinkles and pigmentation;
the cruel signs of time.
What improbable thought it was,
the idea of mere separation. Why?

Eternity – the time for us
yet it was proven so wrong.
There you lay, pallid, drained.
Unrecognisable. Incognito. Who are you?

Taken away unceremoniously,
without a warning, my hand
slipped through yours.
You never held on. I lost you.

The woman in the mirror, disheveled
hair with grief etched on her face. Screams fill
the silent nights; hands roam to find
the lost source of comfort. Where did you go?

A shard in my stomach that never
leaves. Choking the breath from my
body. Broken into pieces what was whole.
Emptiness where there was peace. I need you.

Unbearable suffering. Then I see you,
a hand on my shoulder, wearing the
brilliant smile you stole my heart with.
Just a gentle touch I needed. You have me.

The support it gives me
is a new light born within.
You never left me. The face
I see in the mirror is half you, half me.

The tides shall come and leave.
The strength in me drains as
the burden of life without you falls
upon my soul. Be brave, love. You can do it.

Assassin.
Keeper.
Lover.
Keeper.
Departed.
Yet you still remain
the light in my sea of storms.

– My Light in the Storm, by Hadiqa Inam

What genres do you write in? Do you have a favourite?
I write poetry and short stories in different genres. I have noticed that I don’t write in the same genre for stories and poetry. When it comes to poems, I write mostly in Romance, Emotional, Personal Experience, Loss or Tragedy, Family, Dark and Psychology. However, on the other hand, when it comes to writing stories, I write in Horror, Dark, Romance and Fantasy. Sure there are some similar genres between my poems and stories but genres like Fantasy and Horror are ones that I use only in my short stories.

My personal favourite is Historical Romance. For years, I have been in love with historical romance and been reading so many books about it too. The entire era, the setting, the sophisticated people, manners, the dresses, the concept of romance, everything is perfect and I absolutely love it. Other than this, my favourite genre is fantasy mixed with romance. I don’t like ‘romance’ as the sole and main genre of anything, I’d prefer it to be mixed with some other genre. For example, I enjoy reading and watching fantasy movies where romance develops as a secondary genre but I dislike watching purely romantic movies or books. Same is the case when I am writing something of my own.

Are there any genres you’re afraid to try, or struggle to write in?
Historical Romance. There are so many things that I don’t know how worked and happened in the past so I can’t really attempt Historical Romance. Being an ESL, I have no idea what many of the dresses the women and men used to wear were called back in those days. I have learned a lot reading historical romance novels but still there are a lot of things I don’t know and I cannot attempt writing on historical romance unless I know about them to bring the realistic touch in it. Besides, I myself wouldn’t see the story from my eyes as it should be supposed to in those days.

I have written drafts of so many story and novel ideas and plots pertaining to Historical romance but the reason I am afraid to attempt is my lack of knowledge on the topic. I do hope to rectify that. I have followed some of the authors whose historical romance novels I have read and I even chatted with one of them and she was very nice to send me some articles and useful links to learn about the historian era and the way things were done.

Do you read in the same genres that you write in?
Most of the time, yes. I read romance, fantasy, supernatural, mystery/detective, dark, horror and family.

How do you choose which book to read next?
I pick the next book to read by the genre and then by the blurb.

What inspires you? Where do you get your ideas from?
I have a very long answer for this but I’ll try to keep it short.

1. For me, anything around me that inspires me, gets me into thinking or in an emotional state, strayed from the equilibrium be it happiness or sadness, gets me writing.

2. I watch many English movies as well as TV seasons and read lots of novels. I have a very special gift of being a good observer. All of these combined inspire me to write, get new ideas.

3. When my muse has abandoned me or when I don’t have much time to get something written, I randomly find writing prompts either on the contests on WDC or search on Google. Among the results I find, those that really strike me and makes me say ‘Yes, I want to write something on it!” I copy and paste them into a notebook to get something written on them when I get time.

4. It happened once but it did that I read a beautiful, impressive poem on WDC (written by Norb Aikin) and after reading it, I was so awestruck that I wanted to write something along the same lines and I did write something and was very happy with it!

5. I have a very active imagination and every now and then, when I am lying waiting to fall asleep or sitting idle, I make up scenes in my own mind inspired by fantasy and other movies or books I have read. Sometimes, I draw a completely new setting in my mind and use some characters from movies or books I have read or watched to make a story and create conflicts, villains, relationships, how he/she speaks etc. I love this part of my day. I usually do this when I am on the bed to sleep or when I am coming back home from my classes so on my drive back, I imagine scenarios and stories. It gives me a lot of ideas and exciting plots!

Scotty, a good chum of mine here, always says, “Be a man enough to never fall in love. If you do, you’ll forever become a fool in love.” Everybody laughs, including him, but we all notice the tear that always slides down his left eye when he prays before going to bed and looks at an old photograph. Everyone here has his own story. Painful in their own ways but I try not to think of it in that way. I mean, a husband and wife should have a break from each other.

After all, wives don’t like the mess their husbands make and the husbands don’t like the scowl on their pretty wives’ faces. Husbands would like to, every once in a while, sleep on at least half of the bed, if not on the full bed. And wives, oh boy, the list of things they would die to get done when their husbands are gone like your weird spa treatments, skin care packages, body tanning and don’t even get me started on shopping. Who’s going to stop them from shopping! Man, it’s their independence day!
– Dear Laurel, by Hadiqa Inam

Do you have a favourite author? Or perhaps an author you view as an inspiration?
Yes! I absolutely love Susan Ee and her trilogy. I used to hate apocalyptic movies, stories and novels. Hers was the first that I started reading and I fell in love with it immediately! It had the fantasy element with romance, both of my favourites, so I had to read it and I am so glad I did! I definitely see her as an inspiration because of the idea she brought forward, something new to me and I enjoyed it. It has allowed me to explore further possibilities in the fantasy genre mixed with real life to some extent.

What is your purpose in writing? Do you aspire to be published?
I write because I feel so happy writing, I want to share that with others. Writing brings great joy to me, and we all know how excellent of an outlet it is for the emotions and the human mind to relax. I write to complete torn lines and distorted images, plots that come to my mind and give them a complete beginning, middle, ending, characters and voices. I love bringing my creations and ideas to life through words.

I started writing because it was something completely new to me and in Pakistan, let me say that literature and writing stories and poetry in English is not very common and not everyone does it. I got started into writing when I read Shakespeare’s abridged versions in sixth grade and when my English teacher used to give the students a line or a theme and asked us to write a story on. Ever since then, I found my love in writing and have been writing since then.

Sometimes, I want to approach the audience, to make social awareness or inform others about something and for that purpose, I write. At other times, I write because I feel like it, when something is disturbing me mentally or affecting me deeply.

Published? Um, it would be nice to get published but that is not my primary focus. Being a full time student and aspiring to pursue in medical career, that is my main focus. Writing is more than a hobby, a part of life, but I won’t stress about getting published. I have been published twice in international magazine “The Literary Hatchet.” Every now and then, I read what I have written, select the best ones according to my opinion and then send them out to magazines. At the moment, I have three poetry submissions that are ‘in-progress.’ So I’ll definitely try to get published but if it doesn’t happen, there’s no stress or tension to get it done by any means.

If you’re on Writing.com, you can check out Hadiqa’s writing portfolio there, or you can visit her book review blog here on WordPress, Date night with Books.

An interview with author Alice J Black

Alice lives and works in the North East of England with her partner and slightly ferocious cats! Alice has always enjoyed writing from being a child when she used to carry notebooks and write stories no matter where she went. She would be the girl in the corner scribbling away while everything went on around her. She writes all manner of fiction with a tendency to lean towards the dark side. Dreams and sleep-talking are currently a big source of inspiration and her debut novel, The Doors, is a young adult novel which originally came from a dream several years ago. Several of her short stories have been included in anthologies and she is always working on more. When she’s not writing, she always has a book in her hand and will read from whatever genre suits her that day.

What are the challenges of writing in the ‘new adult’ genre?
Most of the writing I do is focused on the YA genre however, I have written several horror novels and a series of novellas based on a young woman struggling with alcoholism. For me the biggest difference between them is that I tend to write YA ‘clean’ and when I do write new adult, I don’t tend to censor as much.

Your debut novel released in 2014. How did you feel? Did anything change for you?
Having The Doors published was like a dream. Some days it still feels surreal that my novel is out there and that other people can read it! It did change for me, in a way, because I really started believing in myself, believing that somebody wanted to read it. Knowing that somebody had taken the time to not only read my work but say that they wanted it was like a dream come true. I was on cloud nine!

Since your first publication, do you now feel pressure to produce more publishable work?
I guess I do in some ways. Yet at the same time, the things that I have been working on came to me quite naturally so I don’t feel like it has been a huge slog to continue writing. I’m enjoying what I do and that was my aim, first and foremost.

Tell us a little about your journey to becoming a published author.
I have always been a writer. For as long as I can remember I was writing stories and doodling and asking people to read them. I remember writing a short story in my first school about an alien from another planet who ate food through his hand. Someone told me that ‘aliens can’t do that’ and I decided then, that yes they could! I’ve grown up with both reading and writing and so when I found writing.com (which used to be stories.com) I found a home away from home. A strong, online community of writers who didn’t look at me like a little girl with a notebook but who took me seriously and offered support and critique. Without finding my way there, I don’t think I ever would have got to where I am today.

Becoming published has always been a dream, but one that seemed completely unachievable but for me, when people started reading my work and helping me hone my craft, I knew I was producing something special, something different, and hopefully something that somebody else wanted to read.

I sent The Doors, my first novel, to one publisher who seemed to like it but then never got back to me. I sent it to another. Fire & Ice accepted it. I couldn’t believe how lucky I’d been and I feel like I managed to find the right person at the right time.

On their second night in the house, her mum cooked in the kitchen while Amanda laid the table for their meal. It was an alien process to her, something they’d never done back home. They always used to have their meals in front of the TV, out of their laps—TV dinners her dad had called them. She just thought it was cosy. Mostly, they did it because there wasn’t room for a dining table in their old house, but here, there was more than enough room and she couldn’t avoid having a more formal meal setup.
She glanced over at the mosaic doors that were the focal point of the room. They were a pair of double doors standing six feet high at least. Across their surface was a motif; tiny little tiles all shaped and placed together in a bizarre picture. It portrayed a man in his small fishing boat, angling in the rough, dark sea for whatever catch he could find. The sky was dark, overcast with thick clouds. Here and there, a patch of pale blue shone through, but to no avail for the lonely man. At the bottom of the picture there was land, a rocky shoreline of great big boulders, grey and covered in moss and seaweed. Below that, a grassy verge.
Stepping closer, she wanted to reach out and touch the tiles, but at the same time feeling a pang of revulsion. Silence reigned and as she stood there before the doors, the only sound she could hear was the pulse racing through her veins. Her hand, moving as if it had a mind of its own, pushed forward until her fingers finally came to rest on the tiles, cold and smooth. At that moment, her dad walked into the room. He froze as he glanced at the doors, then at his daughter.
Stepping forward he grabbed her wrist and wrenched it away. “Amanda, don’t you go near those doors,” he told her. He gripped her arm a little too tightly, the flesh beneath his fingers white. She pulled her arm free in shock, staring at him. For a moment they stood there in silence. She’d never seen her dad act in such a way. He was usually the more placid type. “They’re old and probably worth a lot of money,” he added as if in explanation.
– The Doors, by Alice J Black

What made you decide to write/publish under a pseudonym?
I decided to write under a pseudoname as I wanted to keep my day job and writing separate so I could enjoy it to its fullest extent.

Do you have a writing routine or do you online write/edit when you’re inspired?
I try to write or edit every day, depending on what is going on. Recently my whole schedule has been taken up with editing. I’m loving getting my teeth stuck into future works to be released! I’m an early bird so I prefer writing first thing in the morning as long as my work shifts allow and love curling up in front of my laptop surrounded by my papers and pens!

Do you work with or utilise many other professionals, eg. editors, publishers, cover artists, etc.?
Occasionally. But most of the work I’ve had published has been through small presses so it tends to be organised by them.

How much do you work on your social presence? Do you feel like an online presence is a necessary part of marketing your book?
Not as much as I should! I think having an online presence is important but I struggle with self-promotion a little. I don’t want to feel that I’m clogging up feeds with images of my books etc, but I do know that having that online presence and showing myself to the world probably helps a lot. I’m trying to get involved in a few more things currently like doing interviews, taking part in giveaways and promotions. I’ll run a party when my next novel is released too.

What’s the latest thing you had published?
The latest thing I had published was Home Improvements, a co-written novella with David Owain Hughes which is about big bugs!

What are you working on now?
Now I’m currently working on the edits for the first novel in the Demon Hunter series, A Shadowed Beginning. It is being released by Fire & Ice this autumn (date to be decided) and six more will follow! The series is a YA collection based on Ruby Dawson and is not one to be missed.

I’m also working on edits on a series of novellas which has been picked up by The Parliament House. If you like the supernatural, you’ll want to check these quick reads out!

You can follow Alice on Facebook, on Twitter and on WordPress.

An interview with author Rachel Peck

How long have you been writing?
I used to write stories as a child. I was a huge Enid Blyton fan, so most of them involved boarding schools and solving mysteries. I never took it seriously, though. When I was thirteen, I received a journal as a Christmas present, and I started journaling daily. I continued until I was in my early twenties, amassing over fifty volumes! As a teenager, I wrote a lot of angsty poetry. I never thought it was any good, though. I never shared it with anybody. I had a long gap after that, when it didn’t occur to me to write. Life kind of got in the way. Then, two years ago, my husband suggested I join an online writing group, and now I spend most of my time writing. When I spend time away from my computer for a long period of time, I actually feel twitchy. I write on my phone’s notepad, or in one of the many paper notebooks I carry with me. I don’t think I could ever go back to not writing again.

What genres do you write in? Do you have a favourite?
I was thinking about this question a couple of days ago. I don’t know the answer. I guess, literary fiction, mainly. I say that because a lot of my stories don’t fit into one specific category. They are stories about people. Real people, going through things that real people go through. I write with a lot of emotion, and I love to put my characters through the ringer. Seeing them survive and evolve is something I find really interesting. My stories always begin with a character, rather than a detailed plot.

I discovered, only recently, I can write non-fiction. Writing, with honesty, about the darkest (and lightest) parts of your life can be therapeutic. It is my ambition to write my memoirs, one day.

My poetry is free verse and, like my stories, packed full of emotion. I guess I’m still writing a lot of angst-ridden poems, if I’m honest. I’ve written my life story through poetry.

Letting Go

I sit next to the
sterile hospital bed and
wonder how she got this ill—
how I never noticed—
I was supposed to look after her.
I watch as the angry mask
furiously forces air into her lungs,
her body slamming into the bed
with every blast.
I hold her lifeless hand
and trace the misshapen
fingers and thumbs;
memories cascade before my eyes, and
I am a grown-up child,
five years old, taking care of my mum,
my precious responsibility,
but I was selfish,
all I wanted was a mum
who could play with me,
run with me,
lift me,
hold me.
None of that matters now,
I just want a mum who can hear me,
speak to me,
but I know I’ll never have that again,
so I turn to the doctor and
nod,
and the mask is removed,
the machines switched off.
I’m terrified as I watch her breaths,
almost imperceptible,
gradually fade to nothing;
she is still,
pain free,
and I am broken.
I look to her face,
in her very last breath
she has smiled,
and I know she has seen my dad—
the love of her life—
they are reunited in death,
and this comforts my shattered
heart.

– Rachel Peck

Are there any genres you’re afraid to try, or struggle to write in?
A couple of years ago, I would have said Sci Fi, Fantasy, or Steampunk. I don’t read these genres, and I don’t understand them well enough to write about them. But, now that I have more confidence, there is nothing I wouldn’t try. I think it makes it interesting to try something new, sometimes. I’m sure if I did try to write in these genres, I would still turn my story into one about intriguing characters and their lives.

Do you read in the same genres that you write in?
I don’t read much literary fiction. I do read books with great characters. I also love psychological thrillers. Grip-Lit, your “Girl On A Train” kind of style. I like to read a wide variety of genres. I think it widens your imagination.

You write both poems and stories. Do you have a preference? Which do you consider your strength?
My poetry is more personal. It’s less polished, more raw. I think, poems have always been something I write when I have things I need to work out. They’re written for me, rather than for my readers. Stories are what I want to write more now. Specifically, the novel I’m working on. I think I write stories better than I write poetry. I’ve learned more about writing them over the last couple of years. Although, when my poetry is spot on, it’s pretty good.

The charity shop doorway looked inviting to Charlie. Walking the streets for hours, trying to stay away from J.T., had made his body heavy and in need of rest. His backpack hit the floor with a thud, startling the bundle of clothes lying next to it.

“You don’t mind if I grab this doorway, do you?” He pulled his lips into his most dazzling smile.

Donna was so young. It saddened him when he imagined the things that led to her thinking sleeping here was her best option.

“Knock yourself out.” Her smile had become sharper around the edges since they first met.

Springtime hung in the air, with its warmer weather finally reaching the streets. Even so, Charlie shivered, as he sat with his back against the door. He hugged his knees, and his eyes darted from side to side. He knew J.T. was out there watching him.

Screams drifted through the air, signalling the coming of Crazy Sue. She staggered between bodies, displaying a strange mixture of crying and guffawing. There were stories she ended up sleeping rough because her husband died and she lost her job. There were stories that back then she really wasn’t that crazy. Charlie knitted his brow as he contemplated how pretty she might once have been.

A whimpering sound drew his attention. He looked to Donna, who quivered and cried. Reaching out his hand and resting it on her back, he spoke in hushed tones. “Hey. What’s up?”

His friend gulped air, in an effort to breathe. “It’s C-Crazy S-Sue. She’s gonna k-kill me.”

The laugh had escaped his mouth before he could stop it. “Crazy Sue’s harmless. Why would you think she’ll hurt you?”

“I lay my stuff down in her spot earlier. She said if she saw me again she’d kill me.”

As the frightened girl buried her head in her blanket, Charlie shuffled closer to her. “Donna. It’s okay. Crazy Sue is . . . well . . . crazy. She shouts and screams at everyone. But she forgets all about it five minutes later. Honest.”

Donna peeked at him from under her blanket. “Really?” she whispered.

Holding her eye contact for longer than he normally managed, he nodded. “Really. You don’t need to be afraid of her.” He was tempted to add, “But J.T., well, there is someone you should avoid at all costs.” But it wouldn’t have made any difference. It never did.

– Charlie’s Story by Rachel Peck

Do you listen to music when you write? Do you have a favourite ‘soundtrack’ to write to?
I always listen to music when I write. There is no specific soundtrack. I hit random shuffle on my iPod. I have to skip certain songs, as they can be really distracting (like, you cannot write whilst listening to “Stayin’ Alive” by The Bee Gees!). I love music. I listen to it all day long.

Do you have a favourite author? Or perhaps an author you view as an inspiration?
Yes. Marian Keyes. I love her. I first discovered her in about 1997. I was in a bookshop, and I spotted a book with a bright red cover with a pair of lime-green mules on it. It was like a siren, and I made my way over to it. When I saw the title—“Rachel’s Holiday”—I believe I yelped with delight. It was like it was made for me. I bought it, without reading what it was about. As it happened, I fell in love. Marian Keyes writes books about characters. She writes about the darker side of life, with topics such as drug addiction, depression, domestic abuse. But she also writes with humour and oodles of warmth. Her natural storytelling style has me laughing on one page, then weeping on the next. I would love, in my wildest dreams, to be able to write as well as her.

Tell us about something you read that was particularly memorable, for whatever reason.
About three years ago, I came across a book called “The Shock Of The Fall” by Nathan Filer. He was a new author to me, but I saw him speaking on TV about this book, and I had to look it up. It’s about a young man with paranoid schizophrenia, and about his past and his illness. I read it in one sitting, and I wept and felt my heart twist and turn. At the end, I felt like I’d gone through a bereavement or something. But, I realised I could write a story like that. I mean, I didn’t imagine it could be anywhere near as good, but it gave me the idea to start writing again. I had a story to tell. Maybe I could do it. Reading this book was kind of a turning point for me.

What inspires you? Where do you get your ideas from?
My best ideas are always based on my experiences. I change them, play with them, but ultimately, they have events that are part of me at their heart. I also have a tendency to dream vivid, wild dreams. Pretty much every night. So I write them down and draw on those when I’m looking for an idea. Really, though, ideas are everywhere. Wherever I go, I see people who look interesting and imagine their life stories. I spend a lot of time inside my head. I think it comes from being an only child.

Do you think negative experiences are crucial in order to be a good writer? Do you find it harder to write well when it’s a positive experience?
For me, I wouldn’t be the writer I am without my negative experiences. Especially, where my poetry is concerned. I write so much better when I’m feeling unhappy. I always have. My negative life experiences are probably the reason my writing leans toward being emotional. For me, experiencing pain makes me more understanding of how it works. For example, I don’t think anyone who has never experienced the darkness of deep depression can really understand it. They can read about it and understand it on a logical level, but they won’t feel the emotional connection to it. I think that comes across in writing.

With regards to positive experiences . . . I find it much harder to write happy. It is good to do this from time to time, though. Like, sometimes I have an idea for something light and fun, and it feels good to write something happier.

Do you think that as an author you write better when you pour the emotion on to the page, or when you take a step back and refine your work?
Without question, pouring emotion onto the page is what works for me. I always get better feedback for my pieces that are from the heart. I never would have believed it could make such a difference, but it does. It comes back to that question of having a connection to your work. However, that isn’t saying I don’t edit my work. The first draft is pure emotion, and from there, I make it more cohesive and shareable. That’s an important part of the process.

What has been the hardest thing for you so far on your writing journey?
The hardest thing has been, without question, believing in myself. It’s hard to be objective about my work because, no matter how hard I try, whenever I read it, I hear my own voice. So it doesn’t sound very special. But, I’ve chosen to accept that my voice is okay. One thing I’ve learned over the last two years is that most writers also have doubts. It actually makes us better writers. We can harvest that insecurity and turn it into magic.

What’s the best writing advice you’ve ever received?
I’ve received so much advice in the past couple of years. I’ve learned to always listen to advice, even when it’s tough. The best piece, though . . . probably to write about what you know. I didn’t believe it at first. When I did, my writing improved.

What is your purpose in writing? Do you aspire to be published?
When I stared writing, it was mostly about exorcising demons and validating my feelings. I never dreamed I could be good enough to publish. I never dreamed I would one day want to try. But, now, things have changed. I would love to be published one day. I have a novel I’m working on at the moment that is everything I’ve ever wanted to write about. It’s in the formative stages right now, but the feedback I’ve received on what I have written has blown me away. So, this book has to be published. That’s my dream. After that, my memoirs. This last year, I’ve had two poems and a story published. One of my poems is in www.threelinepoetry.com. The other poem and the story are in the WDC 2016 Anthology. I can’t tell you the thrill of that! Really, though, I just want to write. Every day; forever. That will make me happy.

How do you drawn the line between truth and privacy when it comes to publishing a memoir?
This is a tough one. Writing about people who are still living is difficult, and I wouldn’t write about anyone without first getting their permission. I know the trouble that can cause. I have a distant relation who published a book on my mother’s family. She had so many facts that were incorrect. For example, she made two of Mum’s brothers twins, when they aren’t. She also said one of her sisters was dead, when she isn’t. So, getting your facts right is imperative. Like I say, I wouldn’t write about living people without asking their permission. I know most of them would be happy. People who have died, I would say that as long as you don’t lie, some people may not like it, but they are probably people who aren’t that close to you in the first place. I think honesty is the key. Whenever you write about real people and your own take on events, you run the risk of upsetting others. You have to be prepared for that, if you want to write about true events.

How will you format your memoir? Will it be told as a story, as a sort of ‘letter to the reader’ or will you use excerpts from your journal entries?
I’ve thought about this a lot. I don’t want it to be a long narrative that moves linearly from event to event. I plan to write about certain events and certain time periods in an order that makes sense to me as I’m writing. I think chapters, covering events or time periods would make sense. Some of them short, some longer. Including some journal entries is a great way to show how it felt to be me at different times. So that’s something I will probably include.

Will you include photos, letters, etc. in your memoir? I love books that do that!
Yes! I love books that include that, too. I’ll probably have some photos dotted throughout the book, rather than a section with tons of pictures. But I will definitely include some.

Will you self publish your novel and memoirs or try traditional publishing?
Ideally, I would love to have them published the traditional way. I think most writers would probably say that. However, this is the real world and there’s a lot of competition out there. So, self publishing may be the way to go. Initially, at least. I can always hope I get noticed somehow.

You can read more of Rachel’s work at her Writing.com portfolio.

An interview with author Grace Maier Crook

Destiny

heaving waves hit the sand
churning thoughts, despair

wave upon wave lashes
pain predominant, can’t let go

words less spoken,
tormenting his soul

the one he loves
forever holds

she is willing
so he may rest

the sun rises? and sets?
the future uncertain

shadows coalesce the
sea pummels the shore

waves forcing, insanity home
one by one diminishing so

Our Lord heard his prayers
come thither I shall heal

a host of angels
descends take his hand

pain washed away,
in the calm seas

on gossamer wings
he rises to be with him

– Grace Maier Crook

What is it about poetry that appeals to you?
Poetry is a release of endorphins, either a welling desire to write out my frustrations, anger, sorrow, or to let the whole world hear the happiness in my heart.

Do you read your own poetry aloud?
Yes, I read them aloud to my cat Sheldon, he is a very receptive cat. He picks up on the flow of the words. If I hit a snafu he looks at me with disdain. I then correct it, read it and read it aloud again. I get kitty kisses for a great job.

Do you have any of your own poems memorized?
I’ve memorized one poem and that is My Love. I often sit in my rocking chair and recite it over and over again.

Do you share your work with people you know in real life?
I share with my husband and sons, they have no clue where I’m coming from. The same goes for my siblings. I believe the only time they will take notice is when I get published.

When you write, do you write for yourself or for your audience?
I write for myself and an audience whom I’ve an abundance of, it seems.

Who do you consider to be your audience?
I consider my audience to be my family on WDC and my cat Sheldon. He critiques my work in his own quirky way. I know he pops up a lot, he is my best friend and confidant.

What style of poetry do you write? Do you have a favorite?
I love to write freestyle because it gives me the opportunity to express myself in different dimensions.

My sister calls home “he’s gone”.
With a choked voice I tell the others.
I run to another room no one sees my tears.
My husband comes to comfort me.
I push him away to grieve alone.

– She Grieves Alone by Grace Maier Crook

My favorite form of poetry is haiku, alas I’m not great at it.

When it comes to writing poetry, what do you think is the most important aspect?
In poetry, I think the most important aspect is the use of repetition of repeating words, phrases, or lines. For example, Edgar Allen Poe’s poem ‘The Bells’ repeats the word ‘bells.’

Do you read poetry by other authors? Do you have a favourite poet?
Yes, I do read poetry of other authors but my mood depends upon what I will read at that particular moment.
This poem of Dickinson’s (Because I could not stop for Death) grabbed me by the throat on many occasions. I’ve read this piece before many years ago when life seemed useless. My husband is dying. I know in my heart it will be God who comes for him, extending his hand and climbing the stairs to heaven.
My favourite author would be Carl Sandburg. There are so many definitions in describing style. Sandburg uses nature in his stylistic works.

You write poetry, but are also writing a children’s story, a comedy, and a
dramatic script. What challenges do these other formats present for you?
Writing poetry isn’t much of a challenge because it comes from my heart. Writing children’s stories is more of a challenge because you need to find the right age group and genre, and the dramatic script I find there are lots of loops one must jump through to get the right ambience.

You can read more of Grace’s work at her Writing.com portfolio.

An interview with author T R Byron

You blog, you write short stories, you’re a novelist and a poet. Do you have a preference for a particular format? Do you find it hard to switch between them?
I usually have a general idea of where I’m going, but I usually don’t know exactly where the stories will take me. Blogging is a stress reliever for me. As for poetry, that is my biggest struggle. Staying structured makes me a little crazy.

How long have you been writing?
Since I was in grade school. I came across a few books I wrote as a child. They are horrible! But you could tell that I had a knack for putting stories together. I was in my late twenties when I really started writing novels and short stories. My first novel I wrote in twenty-four hours. I couldn’t sleep, the story wouldn’t let me get any rest until I had it all written down. That one book turned into a four book series. This was during my VC Andrews phase and that series really shows it.

What has been the hardest thing for you so far on your writing journey?
Probably believing in myself, in work, that it is good enough. Aside from the common issues with grammar and missing words, I tend to be a perfectionist, and am constantly editing trying to make it better.

What genres do you write in? Do you have a favourite?
Romance and erotica mostly. I love flawed characters with heart. If I had to choose, it would definitely be Romance.

Do you ever find it hard to admit that you write erotica, or to let close friends/family read your erotica?
Definitely. Most people think erotica is porn and cannot see the difference. They focus on the sex and nothing more. And then, of course, there’s that little flash I will see in their eyes where some people wonder if I’m just a tramp. If you write about it so openly, then you must be doing something dirty. What they fail to see is sex is as natural as breathing. If feel that if I’m going to write about love and romance, it’s a natural progression, and leaving the intimacy out downplays its importance.

So, can you explain the difference between porn and erotica, when it comes to writing/reading?
I see porn as having no literary or artistic value other than to stimulate sexual desire. Anyone can do that. Plot isn’t required in Pornography, nor is the emotional connection between the main characters. The characters usually don’t grow emotionally, stay together, or even in some instances like one another. Readers of porn want to read about sex, plain and simple. Pornography’s concentration lays in the physical activity between the characters. You won’t find a happily-ever-after here, but do expect a wham, bam, thank you ma’am. Don’t assume the word choices will be nice or sensual either. They won’t be. They can get rather crude, distasteful and cringe-worthy, which all depends on your preference of what you want and prefer

The driving force behind Erotica is exploring a character’s sexual discovery. I see it as a romance. Sex is the common link between Erotica and Romance, but the outcome of the story can be completely different. Erotica can easily leave the door open to the characters staying together, or going their separate ways, while in romance the couple must come together by the end of the book. All Romances have a hero and heroine that strive to be together no matter what, the reader expects to root for both, and to have the happy conclusion. What set Romance and Erotica apart are the details in the sex scenes itself. My erotic scenes fall in the middle of Romance and Porn. The most important thing to me is making that emotional connection between my characters and reader, and letting my readers enjoy the journey with them as well.

Are there any difficulties particular to writing erotica? For instance, I find it hard to write erotica in first person because I end up feeling like I’m writing about my own experiences even if I’m not!
I’m like you there and usually write in third person. It allows me to step outside and visual the scene more clearly in my head as I write from my characters point of view. The most difficult for me was my first erotica novel, Distracting Duncan. I had this one character who used women, loved prostitutes and used his status to the fullest. I had to write a scene where he gets physical with the prostitute, and I struggled for weeks to write that one scene. I had to keep stepping away, but when I finally completed it, it made me hate that character, and that was the emotion I really needed my reader to hone in on.

Are there any genres you’re afraid to try, or struggle to write in?
I try to put a little comedy in my stories. I love to laugh. I don’t think I could write a real tale of horror.

Do you read in the same genres that you write in?
Yes. I am always looking for a good romance to read.

What inspires you? Where do you get your ideas from?
People inspire me. I like getting to know people, what makes them tick, those little things that make them smile. I get my ideas everywhere. I find myself watching television or movies and thinking, I wouldn’t have written it that way. I love good dialogue, and will often write certain phrases in a notebook to use for my characters.

Do you have a favourite author? Or perhaps an author you view as an inspiration?
I’ve read everything by VC Andrews and that is what really started me on my writing path. I am a huge fan of Linda Lael Miller and Maggie Shayne. Miller has great romances, a lot of them centered around cowboys. Maggie Shayne does supernatural. I like that even her darker characters have some endearing qualities.

What’s the best writing advice you’ve ever received?
Slow down and visualize the scene. In the beginning, I had a tendency to rush through just to get the story out. When I came to Writing.com, that’s when I really learned to slow the scene and work on painting a picture so the reader could catch a glimpse of what was happening.

What is your purpose in writing? Do you aspire to be published?
Being published is the dream. I even went so far as to pay $1500 for an editor who was supposed to shop my book around. After a year, and minimal editing, they sent my manuscript back. It was a good lesson. I’ve tried for years to find an agent, sending in manuscripts. Finally, last year, I decided to put my books out there on CreateSpace. Mostly family bought them, but I’ll never forget seeing my book in print.

What’s your favourite piece of your own writing?
My novel, A Perfect Fit. My main character has a lot of me in her. I think she’s the stronger, more outgoing version of me.

Anna flew out of the Boutique on cloud nine, ready to burst. In her excitement, she plowed right into someone on the street. Their hard figure was as unmovable as a brick wall. Her eyes focused on a chest covered in a light brown T-shirt. The man caught her at the elbow, preventing her from stumbling to the ground. When she looked up into his face, her knees almost buckled and her heart pounded at an erratic pace. Those eyes she knew so well looked down at her, and Nolan smiled for a change.

“Where’s the fire?”

Anna swallowed the hard lump in her throat. The mere sight of him, mixed with the feel of those strong hands holding onto her sent her pulse racing as she fought for control.

“Sorry. Guess I didn’t see you.” She couldn’t let that smile and those intoxicating dark eyes deceive her again. She refused to let him into her heart so he could take advantage of her emotions, not to mention her eager body. Their eyes met and locked, making Anna powerless to look away, even though she knew she should.

“That’s obvious. What are you doing in this part of town?” The softness in his eyes disappeared. The coldness returned while he continued to stare at her. One eyebrow lifted as he waited for her to respond. “Checking up on me or you just couldn’t stay away?”

“Try again,” she said taking a step back. Anna steeled her spine and stood tall as irritation flooded her. “If you must know I was offered a job, not that it’s any of your business.” The quick anger thankfully hardened her voice. This man was nothing but trouble, and trouble she didn’t need.

“So you are trying to get close to me, honey,” he said, moving closer.

Again with that word! The endearment rattled her mind and began to break away all her defenses, not that she had many when it came to him. The fact that he presumed she was following him galled her and reinforced Anna’s opinion about his massive ego. He did nothing more than irritate the hell out of her, knew it and enjoyed it.

“I’m not your honey, so don’t say it again. For your information, I don’t spend my days wondering where you are and what you’re doing.”

– A Perfect Fit by T R Byron

Do you do anything in particular to promote your published works?
I did start a facebook page, and I had a few giveaways for my books, hoping that I would get some objective reviews from it, but sadly, nothing happened. I find it hard to try and promote myself, and I know I seriously need to look into doing that. I’ve considered donating a few of my books to my local library, but haven’t yet.

Is there a third book in the Endurance series, and when can we expect it to be available?
Books three and four are halfway complete. I started a big edit of Bride 2 Be, the third book in the series, and am hoping to finally finish it by the end of the year so I can complete book four.

You can find the first two books in T R Byron’s Endurance series, A Perfect Fit and Megan’s Man at her Amazon profile.

A teasing excerpt of nothing…

I took a deep breath and knocked on the door. Holy shit, I was really doing this.

The door opened and he smiled, gesturing me inside. He wore leather pants and a black t shirt that showed a slim, leanly muscled figure.

“Hey,” he purred. “I’m James. What shall I call you?”

His voice wasn’t as deep as mine, but oh so smooth. I wanted to close my eyes and just listen to him talk. I turned when I was halfway across the room and looked at him.

“Shall I just call you Babe?” he prompted.

Oh shit, I hadn’t answered him. Fuck, I can’t even get it right when I’m paying for it! I felt my old insecurities rushing in. “Um, I… Um…” I felt heat flood my face, and I closed my eyes. “Chris.”

“Hey, it’s okay, Chris. Relax. Nothing to be nervous about.” He strolled toward me, a smooth, graceful glide. Fuck, he was so sexy.

I froze when he reached out a hand and ran it down my chest.

He noticed. Of course he fucking noticed. “Okay?” he asked, in a gentle voice.

I closed my eyes and sighed. “Uh, yeah,” I nodded. “I, uh…”

“It’s okay.” He moved behind me. I felt his breath tickle my nape, and the heat of him against my back. He grabbed my hand, and led me to the bed.

My breathing quickened when he tugged me to sit on the cover beside him.

“Was there something specific you wanted to achieve, or did you just want to do whatever feels good?”

I snuck a sideways glance, and found him watching me intently. “I haven’t… I don’t…” For fuck’s sake, Chris, spit it out! “I don’t know what I want,” I growled.

He eyed me up and down, and I fucking knew what he was thinking. I wasn’t some spotty teenager. I was a grown man, with a good body, a decent face, and money. He didn’t say it though, thank god. He ran his fingertips over my hand, then pulled it to his mouth for a warm press of his lips. He was smiling again.

How could he be so relaxed and smiley while I was so fucking tense?

“Let’s go with the flow, and if you wanna change anything up, just let me know, okay?”

I nodded, then jerked back when he leaned towards me.

He stopped and raised an eyebrow. “No kissing?”

“Uh, kissing is okay. I was just… I wasn’t expecting… Fuck!” I tipped my head back and looked at the ceiling instead of his sympathetic face. “I’m so fucking useless at this.”

“No, you’re not,” he cooed. He fucking cooed. Like I was a frightened horse he was trying to calm. Which probably wasn’t a bad analogy. He ran his palms up and down my thighs. “Nothing to be embarrassed about. Everyone has a first time. No shame in that.”

I nodded, but looked away. “I don’t know what to do or say. To anyone. I’m useless at talking to people, being with people. I’m just… useless.”

“Aw, honey, no.” He tugged at my forearms, drawing me to my feet.

I was a couple of inches taller than him. Broader too.

He reached up and ran his fingers into my hair, then gently tugged my head down until our lips met. His kiss was sure and I let him run the show. His lips were smooth and warm, and I shuddered when his tongue teased mine. His hands slid around to cup my face, and I placed mine on his hips.

He pulled back and tilted my head to better suit him, before diving back in. Nips and licks, and his tongue stroking mine. Fuck, it was hot.

He pressed himself up against me and I realised with a jolt of surprise that he was hard. So was I. Holy shit, I had a hot guy in leather pants pressing his erection against mine. I pulled back, gulping for breath.

He sucked my neck, and my whole body went taut.

“Shiiiiit,” I moaned. I felt him smile against my skin as his hands slid down to clench my ass.

“You like that, huh?” He backed away a step and pulled off his t shirt. While I was running heated eyes over his chest, I absentmindedly helped him draw my own shirt over my head. He was perfectly defined without being bulky. I knew I was in good shape, but I was pleased when he eyed me with smouldering eyes.

His hands were all over my chest, gently teasing my nipples and stroking over the ridges of my abs. He dipped his fingers into the top of my jeans and peered up at me with a smirk. “Shall we take these off?”

I nodded. “You first, though,” I said, gesturing to his leather pants.

He grinned, and unfastened the button. My breathing picked up pace. There was no hair on his lower abdomen. I wondered if he was that smooth everywhere, and bit my lip as my pants got even tighter.

He slid the pants off, and somehow made it look graceful and effortless. If I ever managed to get the courage to wear a pair of leather pants, I know it’d be a fuckload more gawky getting them off than he’d made it look.

“You’re frowning,” he commented.

“Oh! Sorry, I just… Fuck, you’re gorgeous.”

“And that’s a bad thing?”

“No! No, no, of course not. I just felt a bit…inadequate.”

James smiled, and my eyes widened in shock as he reached out and cupped the bulge in my jeans. “You don’t feel inadequate to me.”